…So as the men Thinketh….

Life is a manifestation of your own thoughts: each though you have will root itself deep inside your mind, powering your decisions. Each decision that you make is driven by what thoughts you have allowed to enter your mind and ultimately decides your fate.

Proverbs 23:7 as he thinks in his heart so is he.

“The outer condition of a person’s life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state….Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are”. James Allen.

We are three nights away from the Month of December; last month of the year. This usually signifies a lot of different thing to different people. To some it’s the cheerful season a lot of festivities going on, whatever that means.(now’s the season to be jolly lah lah lah lah lah,jingle bells,jingle bells) For some companies business starts to slow down as they are nearing the closure for the year, which usually happens around the 15th. Most people I know if their companies are not closing they are taking leave time out, to go and relax refresh to come back to the grind and start the new year with a bang. By the way holidays for most of my friends mean – going home to the rural parts of the Eastern Cape, Mafikeng, Rustenburg, Limpopo, Giyani, Venda etc. By the 17th Johannesburg will be lifeless inaudible so much so that one will be able to hear thyself think. I like this time of the year, folks are much nicer than usual, always smiling especially those who will be getting 13th cheques, now that’s nice, who wouldn’t smile all day huh? With so many things going on and an extra cash to spend on that one item of clothing or gadget you have been eying throughout the year- total bliss!

Nonetheless for me December is more than just a month in which I was born many decades ago. Last year this time I was over the shock of retrenchment; however I was far from making peace with it, I still had a lot of whys, motionless, stopped going to the gym, locked myself inside my house all day stuffing my face with junk, phone off, no contact with friends nothing. Auxiliary to that I was dealing with my 5 year old (then) son who was retorting after he lost all of his clothes while he was travelling from the Eastern Cape to Johannesburg with a cousin of mine. Every morning when brushing his teeth he would start to cry and ask me for his old tooth brush; really? Yes really. It never occurred to me why he felt so devoted to a lost toothbrush I mean what is that? But when I deliberate about it now I realise that he was also feeling the stress that I was in, in his own little way he was also semi depressed like mommy. Yeah well I think I got married in December too, that other year. I could have chosen March or August or whichever month, but it had to be December for whatever reason.

I don’t usually dwell on things that make me feel sad and a little depressed, but boy oh boy! 2012 was one hell of a year for me (not that I know how hell is, heck I don’t even want to know). I went from having the best job I have ever had in my entire life to being jobless how does that happen? When my boss asked me how I was, a week after she gave me the retrenchment letter, I said “Well at least now I can say I have been through it all, the most traumatic events that one could ever experience in their all-inclusive life. I have lost people that I loved, folks that were dear to me, I have moved cities, I have been divorced and now I am being retrenched, and this is all happening before I turn 30, I am scared I think I am going to die I mean what else is there?” And so lost for words she made me tea and we took a walk, sat outside our office, she smoking me sipping tea, eeeuuuuwww tea, yack.

For a good three years I hated Accounting, I hated working in the Finance department, much as I have studied it, but I felt that there ought to be more to life than balancing books every month end. So because I felt that there were a lot of opportunities still in the company that I worked for, I spent the whole of 2009 applying for positions in other departments. Now as with other companies for one to even be considered for a position in another department the line Manager will have to give some sort of a recommendation, needless to say mine were never that glossy which partly explained the endless rejection letters. Fast forward 2010 we were to move offices, the company was growing, and South Africa was to be the Headquarters for the entire African region. You know with all the multinationals; Fortune 500 companies etc., when they do this whole FDI the locals are always promised heaven and earth. This is Africa we want it to be wrought by Africans. But then again you are Africans what do you know you; I mean you people rode elephants to school, you have lions as pets, therefore you need to be taught how to do things. So you will not run the company from the inception of the expansion but instead we will run it and transfer skills afterwards. We will get the expatriates they are that good the bulk of them studied from the likes of Stanford’s, Harvard ,Cambridge ,Yale etc. if not they come with enormous work experience.

Any way back to the point I eventually moved from Finance to Operations where I stayed for a year only to be told that my position has been absorbed. When I asked how, nobody had an answer, and then I asked kanti what happened to the billions that were being invested into this Africa expansion, what happened to the 5 year commitment that corporate promised- no answer. Okay so how about the company consider some other cost acerbic measures like less travel unless it’s necessary have webex meetings instead? Short time? – No it’s not going to work. Why is it that everyone who is being retrenched is black- well no you see the things is ,oh well it’s not about that, okay what is it about then, I am the only black person in my department right now, I am the youngest with most papers (Yes less number of working experience hey I have only been working for 9 years and that’s not counting In service training) and I am not married so your reasoning was probably around oh well she will handle it better and she could easily be a bbbee candidate right, affirmative action ,yes/no. No you see the thing is we had to detach the person from the position and I was like yeah right. One of my mentors said to me “ Well maybe this is for the best, you know” I nodded and that time I was thinking how is it for the best, who enjoys being unemployed? Over and above my job that I loved, I was also leading the women’s affinity group for SA, oh my God what was going to happen to all the plans that we had for the group?

I must have given my CV to about 20 people in that same company who promised that they will forward my CV to hiring companies, what is this? People I was barely friends with were on some “You can put me down as your reference” really? And say what? So there I was, how on earth was I expected to celebrate my birthday?

I didn’t tell my dad, simple because he worries too much so I had to spare him. When I told my mother she told me not to worry because I will get another job , in the same sentence she asked when I was going home you know for Christmas and stuff. Really mother, come home to do what? For a second, while I was on the phone with my mother I longed to belong to a hugging family. No seriously we don’t hug each other at home but we do hug other people you know friends and strangers etc. but no, not close family.

So if a human being is what they think, how did I think myself into this?

You perhaps contemplate that I am a moaner, maybe I am I don’t know, I just don’t remember having it easy. Growing up in a township, living in a tin house until you are about 14 is no child’s play. Having a father whose occupation is being a Gardner is not glossy. At a tender age of 8 I witnessed my dad calling a 12 year old boy bass, do you know what that does to a child. I could go on and on, did my father thought himself into being uneducated? Maybe he did I know nothing, but I know what hard work is…

He said to me the other day while he was sharing with me how he grew up and all, “You know Andz life almost robbed some of us, however we need to push the frontiers of poverty with vigour, we need to push its ugly head with all that we have”

So Yes I MIGHT BE What I think, but no retrenchment, No divorce, not even being born in this skin is going to stop me from trying to make it in life, none of that.

Life is not fair, bad things happen to good people, so what?

“A man only begins to be a man when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life. And he adapts his mind to that regulating factor; he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition and builds himself up in strong and noble thought, ceases to kick against circumstances but begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of the hidden powers and possibilities within himself… James Allen

2013 However has taught me a lot, one of the biggest lessons is that, “the bug starts and ends with me”

As I wo(men) up…

CT Ticked booked (check), Cologne Ticket and accommodation booked? (Check)

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